Love & Life

How can the father of my child sit there and be so malicious. Sit there and be so hurtful. Sit there and says he wants me back so badly then tells me he’s been sleeping with a best friend of mine and then 10 min. later tells me he loves me and would never do that to me! How the hell does that? Someone so selfish, someone so inconsiderate, someone so hurtful and evil. I’ve done everything in my power to remain strong and diligent against his words. I’ve been keeping my daughter away from my depressed feelings and emotions and only surrounding her with happiness because that’s what she deserves. 

HE told me he was in an accident last night at 10:30pm (already asleep) and got mad at me this morning for not rushing to his side! 

Let me give you some background. He’s MADE me move out of OUR home multiple times (with my daughter) due to his lack of respect and concern for either of us. On labor day weekend he told me we were going to have a “family weekend” and he was going to take my daughter and I to the zoo and out to eat etc etc. Whelp, that went down the drain due to me not able to “satisfy” him (because I didn’t want to). He then went out and didnt go back to his place for 2, let me say it again, TWO entire days! Then Sunday night, began to beg for me back and I told him not at this time (as it was 11pm and I was asleep) he then decided to go to a bar, get a girl, bring her home and sleep with her in the room downstairs. While my daughter and I were asleep. How did I find out you ask? well.. because I saw her with my own two eyes as he snuck her out and drove her home, in the passenger seat of his car. I began to pack my things and my daughter to leave and spend a wonderful family day with MY family. HE then arrived and got upset at me because I wouldnt let him touch our daughter, but why you ask, well because he didnt shower or clean himself from the female he brought home. At the point he decided to spit on my face because of that. 

I dropped my daughter off with my sister to watch her as I continued to pack my things… HE then picked me up and began to attempt to drag me out the bedroom where my things were. I was then locked out of the bedroom and had to call the police to assist with my belongings. He wouldn’t let me take my daughters crib, clothes, diapers, wipes and the cop was agreeing with him. As I stared at HIM in the eyes, crying, to please let me take her things he continued, “No, you heard the cop hurry up and get out.” I gathered my belongings and left and just a few hours later I was begged by HIM back and how sorry he was. I’ve done this plenty of times in the past with him and figured if I stuck it out with him he’d change for our FAMILY but, no. I was the one eff’d over and stuck in a rut.

Let me also say this, I am not the type of person what so ever to look for sorrow and sympathy. I enjoy telling MY stories because they relieve a little bit of more pain each and every time I tell it again. I’ve attempted to work things out with him multiple times and all were unsuccessful. I’ve finally had enough courage to block him from contacting me in any shape or form, it just breaks my heart every time I think about the future I had wanted and dreamed about for us. 

My life now revolves and ONLY revolves around my daughter, Kaliah and HER happiness because that’s all that matters to me now.

I cant fathom how’d it would feel if I were to loose my daughter. Please help with whatever you can click on ‘baby Aiden’ to donate!

calls themself a friend to me

and then no longer acknowledges me

I’d really like to know what I did wrong.

I’ve gotten rid of a lot of unnessary people in my life, or maybe I should say a lot of people in my life have left.

I dont want to let people know what exactly is going on but, i will tel you this… my “bestfriend” left me because I was “lame” (her words) and she let me know that I was weak minded, insecure, childish, etc etc. It’s wierd to me because it wasnt that I was hurt by her words it was more emotions towards anger and agression. What kind of friend tells you she’ll always be by your side no matter what decision then leaves because I am no longer her “rider.” What kind of friend will up and leave the relationship because she’s not willing to accept the fact that not all people deal and handle things the way she’d like? I’m not too sure why Its so easy for people to come and go into my life but I’ve never been able to keep friendships, which isnt hard for me to accept because I’ve dealt with it my entire life growing up and nothing is going to change now. I remember is kindergarden and there was this girl in my class that I thought was so cool, so I started to dress like her and try to be like her, well she dumped me ahaha. 1st grade a girl by the name of Elizabeth did the same. 7th grade = Cynthia, Erica, and Jessica did the same. High school, my close friend be friended me for reasonable reasons that I wont discuss. It’s really wierd but oh well.

So anyways, remember how I was talking about my sister leaving my apt lease. Well 3 months ago or so I had to move into the same house my sister was renting for specific reasons and she had a seizure that same weekend (really scary), but, that made us close again and I didnt let her into my heart again until I began to feel comfortable enough to trust her. Crazy right?

Currently living with my boyfriend moving to a GORGEOUS townhome the beginning of October. It has 3 levels. 1st level is the garage. 2nd level bedroom, den, and bathroom, along with living room and kitchen, 3rd level is master bedroom with master bathroom. This place has spanish tile, granite countertops, stainless steel applianes, spanish archways just gorgeous just for my man and I. I’ll begin to try to post more like I used to. =) love.  

I dont think I’ve felt this confused in such a long time. I have my life on the line as to what I should do thats not only beneficial for myself but for the current boyfriend or “ex.” 

I spoke to my friend last night as to what I should do for my situation, I dont want to leave him or what I have but it seems like that may be my only option. So, we came up with a different choice as what I could give him rather than completely take away. I’ll still be moving out and be single but he’s going to have to straighten up his life before he continues to be in a relationship with me or calls me his “wife” I’m sorry but if that was the case him and I would be over in a second. I’m trying to make stuff better for him. 

I’m trying to make things better for myself. 

I’ll be gathering all my things in my apartment after work today and saying goodbye until he decides to get his act together or if he decides he’s not patient enough to wait for me. We will see what happens. 

I know I haven’t posted something in a while…

I’ve been getting my head together dealing with issues with the current boyfriend to issues with my family. I’ve had to come to the conclusion for myself that I shouldn’t live or be with my boyfriend because of his emotionally and physically abusive ways. I’ve tried to reason with him multiple times to get no where within the three months I’ve been telling him things need to change. While all the while my family has been dealing with their own issues. But thats another long and difficult story. 

I’d like to one day write a book, I think I’ve dealt with everything pretty well considering the issues that have came up - I’d be a good role model for young adults my age to be able to say, I’m not the only one that went through this stuff. 

Before this time

• My dad thought I was pregnant at 14 and MADE me take a pregnancy test because I got sick and threw up
• My mother has thrown a rock at my face that left my lip swollen and black and blue during my sophomore year of high school
• My father has not been to my birthday dinner since I was 17 years old
• - When I was 20 he threw all my clothes out in the rain because he got mad at me
• - 21, didn’t talk to him - I haven’t gotten a gift from my dad probably since I was about 13 wait never mind I take that back. On my 21st birthday he asked me what I wanted as a gift I told him I wanted to go to France or get an Apple MAC laptop he said okay and on my birthday he gave me his old laptop that he used to use for work this is approximately 2003 laptop (really heavy & really old) I was pissed! His answer as to why he gave me an old laptop after saying okay to my trip or laptop was “It’s nice to dream” (I’m NOT even kidding either)
• I found out recently that my dad only stayed with my mom for my sister and I - no wonder why I never saw him kiss her or hug her
• I’ve been supporting myself since I was 16 every now and then he’s been able to pay me the money that he owes me for working for him and him not being able to pay me because it was his business and wasn’t doing too well

In a nutshell

2009 June - Parents declare divorce

I recieve a text from my mother saying my father left… he did not tell me anything (this happend while I was at work)

2009 June - Present day Mother turns into Alcoholic/prescription addiction

She claimed she was going to kill herself every day, She’d intentially hit her head on walls as her head would turn all purple as a knot grew. She was put in a phsyc ward approximatley 6x for a 5150 that either my sister or I had to call on her

2009 October Sister and I get an apartment together

We both (twin) were looking for a room to rent separate I thought it would be best if we stayed together since we’re all we’ve got left. 

2009 November - Met my current boyfriend

He’s in the Marines and we currently live together

2010 January - Sister ditches the apartment

My sister decided to up and leave (she had her boyfriend drop off a letter at my job explaining why she left) the apartment she wrote that she didnt like that I “didnt respect her and her boyfriends belongings” and “I was not clean” and “she didnt like my boyfriend” This happened January 15th

2010 February - Got out of my lease

Self Explanitory - I just got out of it

2010 March - Move back in with Mama

My boyfriend and I moved back in my house with my mother; who had already two other roommates who were weed heads and my mother thought it was cool also if she smoked with them.

I’ve tried everything in my power to get my mother help and to show her that I cared for her to make sure she knew she had a daughter she could count on but she’d always push me away from her and make me despise my family I have more and more

2010 March - Foreclosure

My house has been threatened to foreclose since I was about 17 years old. My dad had different ways of withholding our house being shut down. But this time, we actually got a document taped onto our door saying April 16th was the day we were going to get kicked out. 

2010 April - Move in together

My boyfriend and I decided to move in together because he had no permanent place to live and neither did I since this foreclosure was going on. We decided to get an apartment together. 

2010 May-present Moving on

My best friend Maria has seen multiple times how my boyfriend get with me he loves to grab me by my arms and forcefully push me against a wall all the while he thinks its fun and funny… he leaves bruises on my arms and legs from him grabbing me. His friend stayed over a weekend and he was being playful and hit me in the face with a leather pillow (it hurt and I got frustrated) and he started and I started to get physical he pulled me, punched me, blah. He’s broken my phone, he’s threatened to kill me “if I ever left him”, so with that said, I found a room to rent and will need to leave my apartment with him and leave him behind to make sure my life will last just as it’s supposed to. 

In NO shape or form am I trying to have a pitty party or make anyone feel bad for me because I am ABSOLUTELY not doing that I just want you to know I’m doing this because I’d love one day to write a book I want to give you a look into my world and let you know what I’ve been through (PARTIALLY). I’ve thought a few times what’s the point of being here but the fact of the matter is I have too much going for me and I want to continue. This is just crazy! I’m constantly told by my friends that they wish they were HALf as strong as I am. It’s hard and I’ll let you know I’ve been so stressed and overwhelmed with this stuff since I was 17 so it’s nothing new to me.